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Uncomfortable In My Own Skin
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[23 Sep 2005|05:23pm] |
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 I’ve been home a while now, so the anger is just about boiled down to a simmer. I was so angry, and hurt. Today has been such a hard day for me. I expected… something from my friends. They all knew about it, I told them, I didn’t try to keep it a secret, but it doesn’t seem that… I don’t know. I want attention. I can’t have it, and I don’t expect it, but I would like some acknowledgement of my existence.
I am beginning to feel very very pissed off with the group. We aren’t a group of friends anymore, we’re a couples club. It’s sickening. And it’s making some people, like Becca and me, very upset. Can’t you see that? I know I was just as bad, when I had Roz, I know I’m a hypocrite, but now it’s too much. Everyone, everyone always has his or her tongue down someone else’s throat. We can’t have conversations anymore, and that’s upsetting. I don’t like the way you have to pull people apart to have a conversation with them. I’m lonely, alright? And I reserve the right to bitch.
Why are people of the belief you HAVE GOT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OMFG?! Because you don’t. It’s nice, and it is sweet to see people happy together, but for those of us who want to remain the Street Rats, and not QMC Lonely Hearts, I would just like to say get a room. I might even join in with Gareth Thomas’ stance on not using the Blue Room, because all we’re using it for is somewhere warm to make-out in. It’s no wonder other students have been complaining, if I didn’t know better, I would think there was an orgy going on in there most of the time.
That’s another thing. I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but Roz. I don’t fucking CARE WHAT YOU DO. But I don’t want to re-download MSN, because I’m sick of Harry Potter, and I’m sick of being badgered just to role-play. I don’t like it. I didn’t like it when it first came out. I only got involved because my old friends said it was a good book, and I’ve followed it as far as I want to. I don’t need someone else’s made up reality to exist in, I can do that with my own imagination. I don’t want to be a set character, I don’t want to have to be fannon or cannon, I don’t want to continue doing the exact same role-play. I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on from that. I don’t like the way it is all sex-based, because the sex isn’t all that interesting, not to me. I like plot, and character development, and evil and danger, and anger. I don’t like what’s happening in it, and I don’t want to continue. I’m done with it.
Perhaps, if I ever get out of this slump, I’ll re-install messenger, and chat to you, occasionally. But I see you everyday in college, I don’t need to speak to you every hour outside of that. I don’t need to, I don’t want to. You have better friends, ones who aren’t jealous and as ridiculous as I am becoming, and you can talk to them. Besides, that’s what you’re doing at college now, spending much more time with them, and hardly talking to me, I can live with that. But stop trying to force me into things. I’m not going to bend to your will anymore.
I hope everyone has fun at Suzi’s sleep over. I wasn’t invited, and that’s another thing that hurts. It hurts because… I don’t know. I was friends with Kit and Roz since September last year, and I’ve watched the group get bigger and bigger. But I don’t feel close to anyone, not anyone, in the group. The two people I feel closest to, they’re hardly around. Even so, I feel like I am growing more distant to them, too. I don’t have anyone, and that makes me feel horrible. I don’t have a best friend, and… I don’t know why. I must be a really horrible person, right? I mean… how do I manage to drive all these people away? I try to be as good as I can, as nice as I can, but I never seem to manage it. Everyone I seem to know online really likes me, or rather, Mathias. No one loves ME. Why? Won’t someone tell me where I’ve gone wrong? I feel so hated. It makes me all bitter inside, and I’m beginning to hate people. It was never my intention to hate anyone, no matter what. But I’m repaying what I seem to be getting; indifference.
I’m not keeping a public LJ anymore. Thank you for your time.
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| Reading Matter |
[22 Sep 2005|06:58pm] |
These books are aparently on America's Most Hated Book List, for the reasons listed, however, I would really like to read them, so if you are ever stuck on what to buy Snape, then look no further ^^
1. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, for homosexuality, sexual content and offensive language.
2. "King & King" by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland, for homosexuality.
3. "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou, for racism, homosexuality, sexual content, offensive language and unsuited to age group.
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| It's Personal Statement Time! |
[15 Sep 2005|07:17pm] |
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Title: When I Grow Up I Want To Be A Potions Master
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Snape/CFR
Warning: PG for ass-kissing and sucking up.
A/N: Well well, it seems Snape has actually done some work. If you could spare a moment, or indeed, if you need a good laugh, I would very much appriciate you reading this. Any problems need sorting soon, and any suggestions would be very very welcome. If any one wishes they can return the favor, just ask! I think we are allowed up to 49 lines, and 4000 characters. However, if I'm wrong, PLEASE tell me.
( Read More... )
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[13 Sep 2005|09:01pm] |
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I'm so pissed off and angry and annoyed... gah. Things have fucked up, so MSN is going bye-bye again. Wave it bye-bye...
There, it's gone, it isn't coming back.
I don't know what's going on. I can't stand this anymore, it hurts, and you all know what it is, and I can't stand this feeling anymore.
In other news I know have limewire downloading software and tomorrow I'm going to Cardiff. Oh joy.
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[06 Sep 2005|08:10pm] |
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Today has been a tough day. I wasn’t keen to go back and now I’m certain. But I’m not going to drop out, because that’s borderline disgusting. I’m not going to throw away my only chance. Besides, I was told that I have no feelings, or words to that effect. So I can’t let theses non feelings effect me. What is wrong with having no emotion, no passion, when having them only gets you hurt. I have feelings. I do care, no matter what people say, but they are my own. Showing them off is not what they are there for, not that I know why god gave us them anyway.
I was going to post this in Russian, or at least, something like this. But people would translate it anyway, so I've just put it behind a cut. The first part is general, and whatever, the second... isn't for you to read. I needed to vent, things needed to be said.
( Feelings )
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[04 Sep 2005|09:13pm] |
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WHERE IS KAIT?!
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[04 Sep 2005|12:04am] |
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"What are you trying to protect heterosexual marriage from? There isn't a limited amount of love in the world, it isn't a non-renewable resource. If Amy and Barbara, or Mike and Steve love each other, it doesn't mean that John and Mary can't."
"But John and Mary DON'T love each other - haven't you watched Father Ted?!"
And with that, I'm going to bed. Night night.
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[03 Sep 2005|01:54pm] |
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| You Failed the US Citizenship Test | 
Oops, you only got 3 out of 10 right! |
You wouldn't belive how happy that test made me. Although I don't think many Americans would get it right either. Ha.
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[03 Sep 2005|10:36am] |
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=does dance of SQEEEEEEEEEEE-age= I am now the proud owner of QAF USA episodes 1-8 thanks to lovely ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) sylvie_the_elf and I have, thanks to my parents being out, managed to burn them to disc. Which means I can now happily lend them out ^^ Spread the love, people. ALSO - I am ordering the American Series 1 boxset, as the english version is USELESS, and full of English guys and totally not hot. This bunble of delight will arrive in late October. ><''
Hmm, typical. /That/ song has just cut in, and now I want to dance...
On, I also have many Miyavi and Dir En Grey PVs on disc, so I am also able to loan those out to anyone who wants to stare at Japanese Man-flesh...
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[31 Aug 2005|08:12pm] |
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Just to prove a point, as my friend Emmie knew nothing about either London Bombings, I knew nothing about what was happening in regards to the Hurricane until she brought it up this morning. Now, Emmie is one of the few Americans I would trust with my life, but she reacted with the most... I don't know, semi-appalled comment I have ever heard. She thought the whole world should know because it was a terrible terrible tragedy. I agree, it is. Then again, Americans do seem to do silly things like building their houses on floodplains and in areas known for tornadoes, so I'm afraid my sympathy is slightly lacking. Especially as very few Americans know what is happening in the outside world, I don't really care what happens over there.
I'm just waiting to see if George W will try to nuke the clouds.
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[27 Aug 2005|01:40pm] |
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I invite you all to see Timo Maas' and Brian Molko (featuring sexy new look and lovebite)'s brilliant new song First Day
This link opens up Media Player
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[26 Aug 2005|07:24pm] |
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It hurts when the only person you want to talk to is the only person you can't.
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[25 Aug 2005|11:37pm] |
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Well, I have a less-cool looking, but working mp3 player. It's blue, and round, and reminds me of Violet from Willie Wonka, thus reminding me of Johnny Depp. Therefore, I am happy. It is now packed with emo/skate music, and with Jrock, so I am doubly happy. The music on it will last a full day an a half, without having to listen to any track more than once, and the battery should last 70 hours.
I am also very happy because I have at least remembered the song I have been looking for since 1999. It was a cover of Duran Duran's Perfect Day, sung for Children In Need by a whole host of famous singers. I'm glad I found it. So many hours of trawling through lyric sites and emailing the BBC... all paid off. I love this song. It's so unlike anything else I would ever listen to. But it means a lot to me. I even like Elton John in this. I don't know why. But he is great... It's the kind of song I find myself humming or repeating the lyrics under my breath. Beautiful.
I am also happy because of Sally. She must be taking prozac too. Austrilians aren't so bad. They're accents are amusing at any rate. And she has lots of jrock to share with me. =paws at her= My Tzarina... Ha. One day I'll pay her back what I owe her, if I can. God, I hope I can. Otherwise I'll feel so guilty. I owe so much to her, and I can only give her back promises and... half of those promises aren't worth anything yet. Nothing at all.
Now that I'm sutibly unhappy; I can worry about Kait. I heard from her briefly on Monday night, but absolutely nothing since then. She said she would definetly be online Tuesday night, but wasn't. And because of the time zones, I can't stay up and wait for her. But I am tonight. I need to find out if she's okay, but I have no way of finding out. And thanks to the events of last year, I'm increasingly paranoid about the safety of my 'Net Friends. My wife can testify to that, especially concerning Saul. God, I never want to go through that again, although I find myself constantly doing it to other people.
How is it so simple to fall in love with someone so clearly fake? Fictional? Is it the pity that you feel, the way that nothing so terrible should really happen to anyone, or something else? Because they make us feel needed and wanted and somehow they draw you in. And once they have you, you can never be freed, not even by the truth, because the pain always lingers. You see, scars fade. They'll fade and one day you'll only be able to find them if you know where to look. Like people. You can only find them if you know where to look. I seem to always look in the wrong places...
ANYWAY. I need to finish my Personal Statement, and tidying up. And all those other odds and bobs that happen at the end of the holidays, like sleeping in too late or loosing your new uniform. Thank god that isn't a worry anymore, but what is worrying me, is HAVE THE NEW BUS PASSES ALREADY BEEN HANDED OUT? You wouldn't believe how much stress that is putting me through, folks. I'm seriously pathetic...
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| Rated NC-17 for language and inappropriate content |
[23 Aug 2005|04:28pm] |
I'm so fucking pissed off I want to hurt someone. Fucking fuckwits... is it that diffecult to make an disc that works? Is it that fucking HARD to hire staff that don't go 'erm' or 'ahhh' for 15 minutes when you are paying one fucking pound for every minute they spend painting their toenails? Bastards. Fuck fuck fuck. Don't buy Samsung, people. Save yourself some heartache, ne? Fucking cowherders. I'd like to ring them up again and see if they can fucking well help. Twats.
In other news:
WHEN DO WE GO BACK TO COLLEGE?!
and...
DO WE NEED TO HAVE A PERSONAL STATEMENT DONE BY THEN?!
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| Lucius/Sirius Fics |
[22 Aug 2005|04:41pm] |
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Title: Smelling of Roses
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Lucius/ Sirius
Warning: NC-17 for violent abuse, rape, underage sex, and probably some other nasties.
A/N: Written, eventually, for roz_morgan fic-writing expert, who really should have made me write this before, because I put it off for far too long. It shouldn’t have been left till I was burnt by long-awaited sunshine, and listening to emo music, and it certainly should not have been written from my perspective. However, owing to the imperfection of life, I will present you with this. Word count: approx. 2500
( Title: Smelling Of Roses Warning: NC-17 )
Title: Carpet of Petals, Part 2 of Smelling of Roses
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Lucius/ Sirius
Warning: NC-17 for violent abuse, rape, underage sex, and probably some other nasties.
A/N: Written, eventually, for Roz_morgan, who really should have made me write this before, because I put it off for far too long. It shouldn’t have been left till I was burnt by long-awaited sunshine, and listening to emo music, and it certainly should not have been written from my perspective. However, owing to the imperfection of life, I will present you with this. Word count: approx. 2000
( Title: Carpet Of Petals Warning NC-17 )
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| Sirius/Regulus Fics |
[22 Aug 2005|04:36pm] |
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Title: Blood Ties – Screaming Match
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Sirius/Regulus, implied Remus/Sirius
Warning: PG-13 implied Incest, underage sex.
A/N: The third chapter of Blood Ties, a series of incestuous stories concerning pureblood families of the Marauder and present era. Word count: approx. 750
( Title: Screaming Match Warning: PG-13 )
Title: Beast in the Parlour
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Regulus/father, Regulus/Sirius
Warning: NC-17 for incest and underage sex, oh, and naughty words.
A/N: Another chapter of Blood Ties, a series of incestuous stories concerning pureblood families of the Marauder and present era. I read a passage in ‘the buddha of suburbia’ by Hanif Kureishi, in which one of the younger characters swears pathetically, and it inspired me straight away. Sometimes reading lists are not as bad as they seem, and this particular book is a godsend after Charles Dickens. Enough pimping! Word count: approx. 1000
( Title: Beast In The Parlour Warning: NC-17 )
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| Malfoy Fanfics |
[22 Aug 2005|04:25pm] |
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Title: Pet
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Draco/Lucius
Warning: PG
A/N: A short drabble inspired by the Perfect Circle song ‘Pet’. After the fall of the Dark Lord, Lucius Malfoy and his wife Narcissa escape punishment by insisting they were put under the Impresius curse. However, those that remain faithful try to execute their own punishment for traitors. Word count: approx 400.
( Title: Pet Warning: PG )
Title: Boys in Frocks
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Lucius/Draco
Warning: light NC-17 or whatever the equivalent; incest, underage sex.
A/N: I was reading an article in the National Trust magazine (I stole the title of the article for this fic) about the 17th to mid 19th century custom of dressing boys as girls until they were nine, or even older, so that parents would not get too attached to them in case they died. Seems a little unfair, however, it is a perfect idea. Word count: approx. 1000
( Title: Boys In Frocks Warning NC-17 )
Title: Blood Ties – What It Means To Be A Malfoy
Author: S. Snape
Pairing: Draco/Lucius, Draco/Lucius/Severus
Warning: NC-17, incest, violence, shota/underage sex.
A/N: The second chapter of Blood Ties, a series of incestuous stories concerning pureblood families of the Marauder and present era. Written in a caravan in North Yorkshire, where ISPs are unheard of and flat-caps and waistcoats are more fashionable than Adidas. Wordcount: approx. 2200
( Title: What Is Means... Warning: NC-17 )
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| Holiday Drabbles |
[22 Aug 2005|04:14pm] |
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Title: A selection of Drabbles
Author: S. Snape (steps_on_toads)
Pairings: INCLUDES Sirius/Regulus, Rabastan /Rodolphus, Black Sisters, Remus/Sirius, Snape/Harry.
Warnings: Ranging from G to NC-17, incest, shota, rape and abuse.
( Drabbles )
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